4/01/01 Reuters Wire Services: British Home Undersecretary Dr. U. Benjamin Haad announced today in special session with Her Majesty's Government that recent epidemiological studies indicate that the Mad Cow epidemic is being spread by a commonly used bicycle saddle treatment.
The product, Proofhide, used to preserve archaic leather bicycle saddles, is believed to have been adulterated during a production shut down last September when the company went into wind-up. ProofHides former owners, The Derby Hat Company, of Chester, Connecticut brought in their own chemist who made several changes to the original formula which may have caused the present epidemic.
Former Derby Chemist, Tyler Durden, Ph.D., is believed to have introduced the virus during a fat rendering process and is being sought for questioning by Interpol. Durden is suspected in several burglaries of medical facilities in Wilmington, Delaware.
Communication of the disease is suspected to have occurred when unsuspecting cyclists riding through dairy districts came into contact with cattle after applying the Proofhide with their hands. It is unclear how the product was being used, but at least one cyclist has been ostracized by his peers for other similar indiscretions.
All cyclists, bike mechanics and those in related occupations may be banned from international travel over the summer.
In a related matter the Federation Francais Bicyclete International (FFBI) has announced a new investigation into US Postal star Lance Armstrong. Armstrong may be banned from this years Tour de France over Federation Francais allegations that he illegally benefited from banned genetic engineering.
Sources within FFBI claim that the US National Aeronautic and Space Administration (NASA) instigated the plot to gain the unfair advantage for Armstrong. NASA is believed to have devised the scheme in 1969 when it exposed Armstrongs father, Neal, to "gamma rays and man in the moon marigolds" during a space flight in June of that year. Armstrong claims to be baffled by the allegation, but acknowledges that "it would clear up a lot of questions".