Your description of the Huffy you bought reminded me of a song I wrote for one of the infamous Huffy Throw competitions, many years back. People liked the tune enough that we won the trophy that year! It has an original melody, so maybe I'll have to perform it in Greensboro some Cirque.
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Those Department Store Bicycle Blues
Composed by S. Barner for an early '90s Huffy Throw
I stepped out of the shower just the other morn'.
I looked into the mirror, it was fat boy porn,
An overweight, naked guy staring back at me.
I couldn't believe what my eyes did see.
Heavy hips,
Thick thighs,
And those bulges in my belly, I couldn't believe my eyes,
I couldn't hesitate; I had to lose that weight,
I had to get myself back to the shape that I thought I should be.
I thought back to the time when I was but a child.
I used to ride my bike; I used to drive my poor mama wild,
Up and down the street, I thought I was so neat,
I thought that I could ride on and on,
On indefinitely.
(Chorus)
I am well-equipped; I got all of the paraphernalia,
A helmet, a pump and a water bottle or two.
I got my bicycle shorts,
I got my bicycle shoes,
I got a mean, bad case of those department store bicycle blues.
(Verse 2)
I went down to the local bike emporium.
I walked in through the door; you know I felt so dumb,
I didn't understand all the shelves of bicycle gear,
So, I was glad to find a salesperson to lend me an ear.
She was cute,
And just my height,
And she was wearing shiny red and blue skin-tight lycra tights!
I knew I'd like to dance with her and make romance
So I asked her to show me what I needed to go with a bike.
Everything she did sort of made me smile,
And before I knew it I'd collected quite an expensive pile.
I knew to pay for the stash, I'd have just enough cash,
I'd have to get my bike from a store of a different style.
(Chorus)
(Verse 3)
I bought the stuff and headed for the five-and-dime.
I looked at bikes that had little more than shine.
Two wheels, most the parts made of shiny chrome-plated steel,
Padded grips and cushy seat soften all of that bad road feel.
The bike I got
Was in a box,
And I cursed as I built it in that department store parking lot.
I felt like a fool, working without a tool.
The wheels were bent, the brakes were spent and the tires were almost flat.
I rode my new bike back up to the bicycle shop,
And on the way the pedals loosed and both of them just fell off.
I felt like a dork when I bent the fork,
That girl laughed when she saw me and said to me "Buddy, get lost!"
(Chorus, with an extra dollop of sadness)
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The song was written the night before the Toss, after a fair number of beers, so hold the editorial and artistic comments, please.
Classic Content: The Huffy Throw had its genesis during the CR timeline as an opportunity for bicycle mechanics, sales people, shop owners and manufacturers to get together in a social setting where they could interact as peers, instead of as competitors. It also gave us an opportunity to relieve pent-up frustration by trashing bikes that should never have been made in the first place, were impossible to fix, and sold for less than the cost of getting them to work. It was a wildly popular event that lasted over a decade, drew hundreds of people, spawned a mountain bike race and was the subject of two commercially released videos. Not to mention a new "sport."
Steve Barner, who softened up an Ideale Rebour Titanium 93 saddle on an '82 Marinoni by riding 20 miles in a cold rain today near Jericho, Vermont. The bike is drying out next to the wood stove.
> Date: Sat, 20 Nov 2004 15:15:45 -0800 (PST)
\r?\n> From: Donald Gillies <gillies@cs.ubc.ca>
\r?\n> To: classicrendezvous@bikelist.org
\r?\n> Subject: [CR]Re: [BOB] Schwinns at Target : 6x cheaper than before?
\r?\n>
\r?\n> Well, one summer in 1982, my Raleigh Grand Prix was stolen and i
\r?\n> needed a beater bike for 2 months, after which i would be back at
\r?\n> college and riding my Sekai 2500. So I broke down and bought a $25
\r?\n> huffy to replace my raleigh grand prix.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> I resolved to take it apart and rebuild it up and tune it so well that
\r?\n> it would be fun to ride, although 10 lbs heavier than it needed to be.
\r?\n> I quickly found out why a $25 bike is hopeless.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - brakes were soft steel, every time you braked hard they went out of
\r?\n> adjustment. I mean EVERYTHING went out, the calipers bent, the
\r?\n> stops bent, even the levers or the cable stretched. I could never
\r?\n> get them with 1/4" of the rim and keep them there.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - rims were steel, difficult to true and braking performance was poor.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - tires were horrible 60 psi original equipment.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - handlebars had extension levers, which I removed. I wrapped the
\r?\n> bars with rubber from a burst tire, including wrapping the brakes to
\r?\n> make cheapo pseudo-hoods
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - saddle was awful, par for the course.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - tires barely held air
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - hub cones could not be adjusted properly, and there was something
\r?\n> wrong with the headset that couldn't be fixed.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> Now, i didn't buy the $108 schwinn at target, but in inflationary
\r?\n> terms the brand-new $108 schwinn is the same price as my used 1982
\r?\n> Huffy. However, I see the brakes are higher quality aluminum, the
\r?\n> rims are aluminum, and i did immediately find nonstandard or cheesy
\r?\n> parts. Granted, i did not bring a caliper to check everything.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> My point is, we must be at some sort of zenith for $100 department
\r?\n> store bikes, and I expect that in a few years these bikes will be
\r?\n> costing $200 or more, after the US dollar gets done falling.
\r?\n>
\r?\n> - Don Gillies
\r?\n> San Diego, CA
\r?\n> ------------------------------