[CR]MODIFIDE TOOL LIST

(Example: Events:Cirque du Cyclisme)

Date: Thu, 01 Dec 2005 11:02:11 -0800
From: "Steven Willis" <smwillis@verizon.net>
To: <classicrendezvous@bikelist.org>
Subject: [CR]MODIFIDE TOOL LIST

Starting out slow at the shop today so I thought I would add a few and change a few. Steven

TABLE MOUNTED VICE: My best friend and most used tool in the shop. From opening beers to aligning frames. Also great for pressing in Schwinn BB cups.

GRINDER: A tool used to shape metal and to see how much heat your fingers can take.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching the left crank arm you are trying to rebush out of your hands so that it smacks you in the wrist and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted frame you were working on.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to see how big of a blood blister you can get.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Also one of the first portable tool you can clamp right on to the seat post and ride with. Very popular with the BMX crowd.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the paint remover you just used to clear a spot for that braze on.

DESIMAL SOCKETS: Once used for working on older American bikes, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 15 or 16 mm socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

WORK STAND: Used for holding your jacket and hat in the wintertime and taking off nasty unnecessary bike frame Reynolds 531decals. Also great to see how well the paint cured on a new frame.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for aligning that old Schwinn frame.

CONE WRENCHES: A tool used for taking off tires when all of the tire irons have shot across the room taking IRC tires off Matrex rims.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing metal splinters.

PHONE: Tool for giving you a few minutes off while you look for that QR spring that fell on the floor.

RAZER BLADE: Used for taking off old handle bar grips that have been on since the turn of the century.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes of that 1972 Campagnolo rear derailleur adjusting screw.

TWO-TON PRESS: A tool for pressing out stems that were never greased on a bike that has not been repacked in 20 years.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that opens up closed dropout on long Campy rear dropouts.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally as a make shift punch after you missed place the punch size you just put down somewhere when the phone rang.

STANDARD SCREWDRIVER: For mixing your cream in your coffee. Also can be used to take the faceplate off of freewheels.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened by a 10 year old boy with his Vice Grip.

PRY BAR: A tool used to just see how brittle old aluminum bike parts can be.

CABLE CUTTER: A tool used to cut spokes out of a wheel before you take off the freewheel.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your shop; works particularly well on rubber tires, vinyl bike seats, Phil Wood tubes of grease.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Steven Willis
1778 East Second Street
Scotch Plains NJ 07076
908-322-3330
http://www.thebikestand.com